When I was a boy I was sexually abused multiple times by the son of a family friend. It wasn't until I tearfully, fearfully rejected an advance did the abuse finally end, but the damage had been done. In family photos I went from the smiling, lean boy to a sad, overweight child almost overnight. I was trying to put on layers of fat so that I would be, in the immortal words of comedian Bill Barr "unfuckable."
This happened more than 50 years ago.
In life, you sometimes find yourself on the shore of a beach with a view of the ocean you just crossed and wonder how you made it. But quietly you know the answer and that answer is what sustains you.
Apologies, I hit send before completing my last paragraph 🙈
The morning after reviewing the video of my personal movement profile, my body went to the exact moment in realtime of that initial trauma. Such a weird feeling when the conscious brain is activated and knows you’re not really there.
It takes time, self care and self love, a removal of all the restrictions society puts on us to conform to their expectations. It takes rest.
It’s so hard to find rest when you’re hyper vigilant.
It’s a process and a journey.
Thank you for opening the conversation and providing the space to share.
Thanks for sharing SJ, a really interesting read. I think it takes courage to be this vulnerable and I’m really pleased you have been able to do it. What you’re talking about is relatable, and I know lots of other people within the community will feel the same. The internal bully is really common, it feels to me sometimes that it is so easy to be that person, but so much more difficult to make friends with ourselves and show kindness and compassion, which essentially is what the version of us right now, and the small kid inside needs to really stand a chance in healing. Please keep sharing your insights, or as much as you feel Comfortable. Big love darling xx
Thank you for sharing and starting this conversation. It’s really brave of you to put yourself out there like this. Your vulnerability inspires mine.
I don’t share your experience with regards to sexuality, but I do in terms of grief and trauma (I found my first husband passed away at home; I had a miscarriage in Safeway; i had post-natal depression with my second daughter who was later diagnosed being on the Spectrum).
Being put into an extended period of heightened stress comes out as Freeze for me.
I invariably stick my head in the sand in the hopes that it will go away. It doesn’t, it builds and festers and takes more and more energy to suppress.
I’ve recently been diagnosed wth ME/Chronic Fatigue syndrome. I’m not surprised...
I loved reading The Body Keeps The Score and Waking The Tiger. They both have a lot to say about how our experiences are held in the body, embodied knowledge, and our responses to stress.
Studying dance/movement therapy exposed my traumas in ways I hadn’t expected, however, knowing my body holds more knowledge than my conscious brain could ever handle, gives me hope; hope that I can thaw out by expressing myself through movement.
There is some research on memories and how different parts of our brain hold and interpret memory. Some traumatic memories are not accessible in our conscious brain and are only accessible subconsciously, or are fragmented or misrepresented.
The morning after reviewing the video of my personal movement profile, my body
Want to share your experiences? Do so here.
When I was a boy I was sexually abused multiple times by the son of a family friend. It wasn't until I tearfully, fearfully rejected an advance did the abuse finally end, but the damage had been done. In family photos I went from the smiling, lean boy to a sad, overweight child almost overnight. I was trying to put on layers of fat so that I would be, in the immortal words of comedian Bill Barr "unfuckable."
This happened more than 50 years ago.
In life, you sometimes find yourself on the shore of a beach with a view of the ocean you just crossed and wonder how you made it. But quietly you know the answer and that answer is what sustains you.
Frank, thank you for sharing that with us. I'm sorry that happened to you, but your words are inspiring. Sending love.
Apologies, I hit send before completing my last paragraph 🙈
The morning after reviewing the video of my personal movement profile, my body went to the exact moment in realtime of that initial trauma. Such a weird feeling when the conscious brain is activated and knows you’re not really there.
It takes time, self care and self love, a removal of all the restrictions society puts on us to conform to their expectations. It takes rest.
It’s so hard to find rest when you’re hyper vigilant.
It’s a process and a journey.
Thank you for opening the conversation and providing the space to share.
Thank you so much for sharing!
Thanks for sharing SJ, a really interesting read. I think it takes courage to be this vulnerable and I’m really pleased you have been able to do it. What you’re talking about is relatable, and I know lots of other people within the community will feel the same. The internal bully is really common, it feels to me sometimes that it is so easy to be that person, but so much more difficult to make friends with ourselves and show kindness and compassion, which essentially is what the version of us right now, and the small kid inside needs to really stand a chance in healing. Please keep sharing your insights, or as much as you feel Comfortable. Big love darling xx
Thank you lovely man xx
Thank you for sharing and starting this conversation. It’s really brave of you to put yourself out there like this. Your vulnerability inspires mine.
I don’t share your experience with regards to sexuality, but I do in terms of grief and trauma (I found my first husband passed away at home; I had a miscarriage in Safeway; i had post-natal depression with my second daughter who was later diagnosed being on the Spectrum).
Being put into an extended period of heightened stress comes out as Freeze for me.
I invariably stick my head in the sand in the hopes that it will go away. It doesn’t, it builds and festers and takes more and more energy to suppress.
I’ve recently been diagnosed wth ME/Chronic Fatigue syndrome. I’m not surprised...
I loved reading The Body Keeps The Score and Waking The Tiger. They both have a lot to say about how our experiences are held in the body, embodied knowledge, and our responses to stress.
Studying dance/movement therapy exposed my traumas in ways I hadn’t expected, however, knowing my body holds more knowledge than my conscious brain could ever handle, gives me hope; hope that I can thaw out by expressing myself through movement.
There is some research on memories and how different parts of our brain hold and interpret memory. Some traumatic memories are not accessible in our conscious brain and are only accessible subconsciously, or are fragmented or misrepresented.
The morning after reviewing the video of my personal movement profile, my body
In Rest comes Recovery.