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I’m particularly interested in the outcome of this little experiment, because I’ve fantasised about doing what he did SO MANY TIMES.
Algorithms. You’ve got to love ‘em, haven’t you? Did you know that the definition of an algorthim is: a process or set of rules to be followed in calculations or other problem-solving operations, especially by a computer.
By this definition, when the TikTok, Twitter (X) or Instagram algorithms decide which posts to prioritise in our feed, they’re effectively treating us as a problem to be solved. Which is interesting, but perhaps a discussion for another post.
Either way, the algorithms are pretty scary though, aren’t they? A while ago my friend persuaded me to join TikTok, partly because there were lots of funny little videos on there he thought I’d enjoy, and until I had the app he couldn’t share them with me. So I dutifully downloaded and logged on and filled in my profile. For a few weeks the algorithm fed me random stuff, none of which I was that interested in. I told him I couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. ‘Bear with it,’ he said. ‘ Follow a couple of people. ‘Save’ or ‘Like’ a couple of things. Send things to me that you think I’ll enjoy. It’ll learn.’
And oh wow, he was right. Within a month that algorithm knew exactly who I am. It knew I was a book-loving, gay man of a certain age with a sort of dark-but-not-too-dark sense of humour, who wrote for a living. It’s not hard to see why it’s so addictive, so accurate is it at sending you what you’re likely to want.
Which is why it’s interesting that, whenever I open up Facebook, the top post is always the latest from a group I’m a member of called “Am I The A**hole”. Every single time.
For those that aren’t familiar with AITA (as it’s often abbreviated), began on Reddit as a place where people would post situations and personal disputes they’d encountered, in which they were unsure whether they’d acted in a mean, selfish or otherwise unsavoury way, before asking the group “AITA?”. Members of the group, after considering the dilemma, would usually respond with NTA, YTA, ESH, or NAH (Not the A**hole, You’re the A**hole, Everyone Sucks Here, or No A**holes Here). Pretty self-explanatory.
So, why is the algorithm — correctly, it turns out — SO sure that I will want to read every AITA post that it feeds me them before everything else? And why are there so many AITA posts in the first place?
The questions are related I think, and fascinating. As a species we have evolved to live in social groups, and therefore our survival depends on not being ostracised by the group, by remaining part of the group dynamic. To this end, we have standards of behaviour, rules and regulations if you like, but also a moral code. If we stray from this too far, or too often, then we can end up getting kicked out. So it’s only natural that whenever there’s conflict, we want to make sure that we’ve behaved well. In short that we’re NTA.
Except that we’re all NTA, when we act. At first, anyway. Later, we might come to believe that we perhaps behaved badly, and we were in fact TA in that situation. But when it’s all going down, or kicking off, everyone believes they’re the hero of the story, and if anyone is being TA, then it’s definitely not them.
And why do I read AITA posts so voraciously? I could tell you it’s research, that to write fiction I have to be a student of behaviour, and some of the stories on AITA are truly bizarre. But I suspect that would be justification after the fact. I also love a good gossip as much as anyone, and many of the AITA posts do feel like someone telling you a really juicy, sometimes shocking, and presumably true, story.
But I think the truth is that I read them to check my own moral compass. At the end of each one I decide for myself who’s TA in the story (it’s rare that there’s a NAH, to be honest), before I go on to read the comments and learn the group consensus (it’s rare that there’s no consensus, but it does happen). It’s reassuring when I learn that my thoughts align with most others. I’m not at risk of getting kicked out of the group. And on the (actually pretty rare) occasion when my opinions differ from the group, it’s good to examine my own moral compass. Just to make sure it’s a one-off, rather than a sign that I have very different standards to everyone else.
Anyway, I thought we could do an experiment…
A friend of mine told me a story the other day, which could easily qualify for AITA? So why don’t you read it, and let me know in the comments whether he’s TA, NTA, or perhaps it’s a case of ESH. I doubt you’ll say NAH, but it’s an option.
I’m particularly interested in the outcome of this little experiment, because I’ve fantasised about doing what he did SO MANY TIMES.
The story is actually pretty simple. He was sitting on a train, and the person sitting next to him took out his phone and started playing music. Through the phone’s speakers that is. Not a headphone in sight. No earbuds. Just playing music out loud, so that everyone could hear it.
Now, I can’t remember what sort of music he told me it was. It hardly matters. Even if he’d been playing my favourite song of all time, I’d still have been annoyed I think. It’s intrusive. It’s inconsiderate. It’s rude.
So my friend actually did what I’ve always wanted to do when that happens to me. He took out his own phone, disconnected his earbuds, and retaliated with music of his own. Out loud. Phone speakers on. Volume up.
And not just music. We’re both admirers of an artist called Diamanda Galas, who can be… how to put this? Challenging.
‘Not Diamanda?!’ I said, when he told me. He nodded gleefully. ‘Not… Schrei X?’
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘It’s what he deserved.’
Now, Schrei X is probably not only Galas’ most challenging work, but the most challenging work of pretty much anyone. Devoid of instrumentation, or discernible lyrics, it comprises Galas’ heavily treated vocals as she screams, spits, shrieks, yelps, whispers and cries for an hour. It’s not for the faint hearted. It’s not for quite a lot of those whose hearts aren’t at all faint. And it’s definitely not something to be played out loud to people who haven’t asked to hear it1
But play it out loud is what he did. So what happened? After shooting daggers at my friend for quite a while (long enough to get to another track from Schrei X, the charmingly titled ‘C*nt’) the guy eventually got the message. He switched his music off (or plugged his headphones in), after which my friend immediately did the same (and probably selected his Danni Minogue playlist, as he and I only listen to Galas when we’re really in the mood, that mood being ‘murderous’).
So the question is, was my friend TA here? Would it have been better to grin and bear the other guy’s music? Over to you…
And if you have any AITA stories, why not drop them in the comments? Or, if you want to remain anonymous, just email them to me (by hitting reply to this email). I’ll remove any identifying details and post them here…
You may be interested to note that when Galas performed Schrei X she did it in complete darkness. This must have been one of the most terrifying experiences EVER.
This is a massive bugbear of mine. To be so inconsiderate and self-obsessed to think EVERYONE wants to listen to what you’re listening to, makes you not only an A hole, but borderline sociopath.
So anyone actually attempt to confront the problem head-on is a legend, in my book - even if the temporary cacophony must’ve been unbearable for the innocent bystanders - like Rob.
The most I have done is tut loudly and shake my head!
Your friend was being the AH for the greater good. The first person playing music was just a selfish AH. I just thought about all the other people having to listen to two lots of competing and terrible music.
Is Diamanda on Apple Music? I might download her and break her out in case of emergency.