Writing as a woman...

Background to the writing of Before I Go to Sleep

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What I’ve been thinking about…

I’m often being asked why I chose to write Before I Go to Sleep from a woman’s perspective. The truthful answer is that in some ways I didn’t. It just happened. 

It was early 2009, and I was scouting around, looking for ideas for a novel I could be working on during my time on the Faber Academy course that I was about to start. I read about an amnesia sufferer – Henry Molaison—who had recently died and, from nowhere, saw the mental image of a woman, looking in a mirror. I knew, pretty much straight away, that it was her story I wanted to write, and in her voice.

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I didn’t pay much attention to the fact that she was a woman

A couple of weeks later I began to write. It might sound odd, but I didn’t pay much attention to the fact that she was a woman. It seemed a secondary concern next to the fact that she suffered from amnesia and lived in a home she didn’t recognise with a husband she couldn’t remember marrying. In fact, I don’t think it occurred to me at all until my friends on the Faber course read my opening chapter.

‘At first I thought you were writing about a homosexual encounter,’ said one, noting that the book opens with the narrator –gender so far undisclosed—waking next to a man. It was the first time it had occurred to me that my male-ness and the use of the first person pronoun would combine to give that impression. ‘But then on page 2 you mention ‘another woman’s shoes’ and her sitting to use the toilet and I realised you were writing as a woman.’

‘I wouldn’t even say that in my head…’

I became anxious, suddenly worried that it the whole book would read as if it were a male attempting to write from a female point of view and doing it badly. ‘But is it believable?’ I said. ‘I mean, does it sound convincing, as a woman?’ My female friends reassured me. ‘Yes,’ said Antonia. ‘Just change that word’ She pointed to the word p*ss and lowered her voice. ‘I wouldn’t even say that in my head…’

Encouraged, I carried on, hardly thinking about it again. When it was time to send the book out to prospective publishers, I made the decision to use my initials, with the hope that editors would assume the book had been written by a woman, or would at least be uncertain. I was enormously gratified when people did just that, and especially so when a few demanded my agent send  them a photograph, so sure were they that the manuscript they’d just read couldn’t have been written by a man.

The point is, like all characters have to, Chrissy had become a real person to me. I knew her intimately; her background, her history, her hopes and fears. And I knew her concerns, too, especially around her body.

… these are not solely the concern of women

The concern about the ageing body, the worry about whether we are still being perceived as sexual beings; these are not solely the concern of women, though arguably women may discuss these things more openly than some men.  I found it distressingly easy to write the scenes in which Chrissy looks, aghast, at the sagging flesh that had once been firm, at the crow’s feet and worry lines and greying hair. I was thirty-nine when I wrote those scenes  - those things were happening to me. Where our physicality is concerned, I think men and women have more in common than some people might care to admit. And so really, when people ask me why I chose to write the book ‘as a woman’, the most truthful answer I could give would be, ‘Well, why wouldn’t I?’

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What’s new…

I will be appearing at Manchester Libraries Crime Festival on Thursday 17th March. Details and tickets here.

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I’m in the process of finalising a few more events, some of which will be happening in ‘real life’ (which I’m very excited about). For some, it’s too soon to confirm details, but watch this space…

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I’ve also just recorded a podcast with bookseller, agent, organiser of Capital Crime and all-round supporter of everything book-ish, David Headley. We had a great chat and you can listen to episode 1 here.

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Finally, I’ve just confirmed that I’ll be leading a writing retreat at Chez Castillon in the south of France in May of this year. Take a look and do join us!

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Happy reading!