The Diary of a Debut | 24th January 2011

A crisis of confidence, and meeting Kristin Hersh

Hopes and Doubts — The Diary of a Debut

My first book, Before I Go to Sleep, first came out in April 2011. I’d completely forgotten that in the January of that year I started keeping a journal to chronicle things as they happened.

My entries were sporadic, and some intensely personal. (The next few for example). I’ve tried to edit it as little as possible, however.

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Monday 24th January 2011

A depressing day, a nice evening. After a gym work out in the morning I planned to read what I’ve got of Nine Lives. I settled in and, with mounting horror (and that isn’t word chosen lightly, it was real horror) I realised that the book so far just isn’t good enough. I’m mostly happy with the writing, which I think shows real improvement even over Before I Go to Sleep, but the plot? It meanders. It’s too slow. I spend ages and ages on setting things up and when those things happen they’re not very interesting. My characters are dull and have no charisma. Without the strong, central hook that is the engine of Before I Go to Sleep I’m foundering. I realised I’m going to have to scrap weeks and weeks of work.

I felt terrible. Real panic. I wanted to cry, to scream. Luckily [a builder] arrived and so I had to put a brave face on it, but it was very, very difficult.

This evening I went out to see Kristin Hersh. She read from Rat Girl/Paradoxical Undressing and played some songs. Afterwards I queued, ostensibly to get my copy of PU signed, but mainly to give Kristin a copy of Before I Go to Sleep. I emailed her last year to tell her about the book and thank her - it was partly her example, of creativity, of doing something you passionately believe in, that made me really focus on my writing. She replied with a lovely message, and later, when there was a discussion on Twitter about the book and whether there might be room for some of Kristin’s songs in the soundtrack (like I’d have ANY say in that!) she sent me a private message of congratulations. So I wanted her to have the book.

‘That’s a good quote!’ she said when she saw the Tess Gerritsen on the front (‘Quite simply the best debut novel I’ve ever read...’) and when I said I didn’t want her to feel obliged to read it she said she would (‘I’ve turned into a reader, now...’). She signed my book and we talked for a few more moments, then as I said goodbye [her then-husband/manager] came over and said, ‘Hello! Steve Watson!’ It was lovely to know he’d remembered me, and the two of us talked some more about what had happened with the book and the importance of doing what you want to do. ‘Keep in touch!’ he said as I left.

Got home and N and I talked about Nine Lives. He’s read half. We talked about what was wrong. He agreed, partially, with me, but didn’t see it as being as bad as I had. He said he was sure I can put it right and I went to bed a little happier.

I hope he’s right. With Before I Go to Sleep all I really had riding on it was my own sense of self esteem and self worth, and the gamble that going part time and so on had paid off. Important stuff, but next to this, trivial. Now I have the industry, the publishers, [may agent] and, who knows? If Before I Go to Sleep does well, my readers, all waiting to see what Nine Lives is like. I can’t disappoint them!

Plus it’s too good a title to waste on a shit book.